You know how some people want to grow up and be a CEO, some want to be a Dr and others want to be a Firefighter, right? Well, I grew up wanting to be a MOM. I am not sure why, honestly. Maybe it's the tiny toes and fingers, the chubby cheeks, the cute clothes, the smell of baby powder or the massive amount of drool pouring from a babies chin, but something about all of that makes me want to be a Mom. I want to wake up at all hours of the night to nurse, I want to change dirty diapers and get peed one (by my own child, not just my niece , although I love her dearly!) Maybe I even want to drive a mini van and be a "soccer mom". That's my dream in life. No matter what career I follow, I want to be the mother to a precious child. Ben and I have talked about it many times, and this is what we both want. A baby that combines a piece of the both of us, something we've created, something we can raise and enjoy every moment with.
So last January 2010, I went for my yearly Obgyn checkup only to find out I had PCOS. I had always had irregular cycles, but never thought anything of it other than my weight being a factor. I mean I LOVE food...what can I say?!? But once I found this out I was really disappointed because I knew it would be much harder to have a child. If you aren't sure what PCOS is, check out this Wiki page:
In September I decided enough was enough and wanted to lose weight to get healthy and make conceiving easier. 55 lbs down and 6 rounds of Clomid (a fertility drug) later, we still are not pregnant. We have been trying the past year. After an ultrasound with my Obgyn, things looked good on my end so we decided to have Ben do a semen analysis. We received not so good results and were referred to Nashville Fertility Clinic, where we had our first appointment today.
We see Dr Hill. He is an older Dr and seems very knowledgeable, although we didn't understand half of the words he used. Basically here is what we understood: Ben's semen analysis came back below normal. The average sperm count for a male is 15 million. Ben's was 300k. And as I understood it, the average motility is 32% and Ben's was at 4%. So this is a major concern. Dr Hill also did an ultrasound on me (this is only my 2nd and I keep praying the next that we will see a baby in there) only to find a few cysts on my left ovary and a thickened endometrium which he was concerned about. He also thinks I may have some polyps on my uterus.
We scheduled an appointment to get a Hysterosalpingogram once my cycle starts next week, which will run a dye through my fallopian tubes to see if I have any blockages. I also have another apt June 13th for an ultrasound to check on my cysts...He thinks they are most likely from the last round of Clomid we took and hopes they will dissolve. Ben also has to have another semen analysis to see if his first count was the norm for him. Then we will go from there. He is also going to run a bunch of tests on us, including hormome, genetic and more blood work. He seems to think that In Vetro Fertilization will be our best shot, but that is the last big surgery we want to try. We found out that normal couples TTC have a 20% chance of actually concieving every month they try. We currently have way less than that but if we do IVF, our chances could shoot up to 70% at most, but also result in multiples. He also mentioned finding a sperm donor and I looked at him like he was crazy. We won't even go there.
Now I'm not going to lie. Once we left the building and got into our vehicles (we drove separate because Ben had to return to work) I cried and cried and cried some more. Then when I was done, I cried a little more. The whole way home I just cried. If we feel so strongly about being parents, why is God putting this roadblock in the way? Well God knows just what we need and He has a plan. We just need to realize that and go with the flow.
But we are trying our best o wrap our heads around everything we found out today as well as save up for all of this. We knew having a child would be expensive, but we never planned on the medical costs of infertility. So this process may be a few years longer than we want, but as long as we can have a healthy baby, we are ok with that. This makes me think back to my favorite Bible verse, Psalms 37:4, "Delight yourselves in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart." So if we just pray to God for His will to be done, then everything will turn out. Until then, we have a wonderful and absolutely precious niece we will continue to spoil and love on. I think she was brought onto this Earth for this reason specifically.
To anyone reading this, if you have been through this, could you please let me know how you got your mind off of things? I mean, I know I will never stop thinking about it, but how do you cope? What things are you doing to increase your chances and such? We don't know much about all of this since this is our first try, so any information, tips, etc are appreciated!
To anyone reading this, if you have been through this, could you please let me know how you got your mind off of things? I mean, I know I will never stop thinking about it, but how do you cope? What things are you doing to increase your chances and such? We don't know much about all of this since this is our first try, so any information, tips, etc are appreciated!
Oh my dear. Let me introduce you to me. My name is Allison Mack. Erica Hamilton shared your blog with me. My husband and I just celebrated our 7 yr anniversary. This month we come upon on 6 years of trying to conceive. Please don't let that startle you. We've had more than just infertility to overcome. We always knew we wanted a large family and after a year of marriage, and my husband being shot after 7 months in Iraq we decided to start trying. We wanted that precious miracle with the ten tiny toes and fingers. We wanted to hold a precious child that is part me, part him, and also completely unique! I have always been irregular so wasn't to surprised when we weren't able to conceive right away. After several months my mother talked me into going to see my obgyn. They did blood work, ultrasounds, and also sent Bryan for a semen analysis. Bryan's results all cam back well within the normal range. My results however were a slap in the face. I too have PCOS. I felt like it was my fault we weren't conceiving and that if my dreams of being a mom never came true it would be my fault. We tried several rounds of clomid to no avail. In 2007 Bryan found out he was going to be deploying to Iraq for a 2nd tour. We stopped actively trying but weren't trying to prevent a pregnancy either. Once he was gone I began trying to lose weight. The only way I was able to do so was through phentermine, a weight loss prescription drug. I lost 50 lbs and when Bryan came home in November of 2008 I quit taking the medicine and again began hoping for a baby. In Jan 2009 I became pregnant!! I was completely surprised and shocked! I was not taking any fertility medicines and we had conceived completely on our own! My prayers had been answered and every tear I had cried suddenly seemed worth it, or at least I thought so. At my very first ob appointment they did a ultrasound to see how far along I was and my heart sank. I knew in my heart that there was something wrong. They told me it was too early to see anything and after a few weeks of bed rest, and ultrasounds with only an empty gestational sac they told me my baby was not viable! What in the world was happening! Why had God let me get pregnant just so I could miscarry! I was angry, I was hurt, and I was becoming bitter very fast! My Dr found out while I was pregnant that my progesterone levels run very low. However, she tried to be optimistic that I had conceived without medical intervention. I had a D&C and then I tried to move on....
ReplyDeleteQuestions still lingered. Was this all my fault? Why would God do this to me? Why did I want so badly to be a mom if it wasn't possible? I was so angry within myself I took it out on my husband and we began to have issues. I was horrible to be around, always negative. I hate to tell you that my story still doesn't have a happy ending, if you think the only happy ending includes a baby. 2 years after my miscarriage I still have not been able to conceive again. Bryan and I are getting ready for our first trip to a reproductive endocrinologist in Louisville. I can't begin to tell you how many tears I've cried. How many times I have fasted and cried out to God making the same promised Hannah did when she begged God for Samuel in the Bible. However, I have also grown in so many ways. I've come to realize that my struggles can be used to help others. I hold onto the very promise you quoted in your blog. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. I trust Him enough to take my fertility journey one step at a time, knowing that He is writing my story! What has helped me more than anything was deciding to live! To live for today, to do the best I can everyday for God. To grow in Him so that when they time does come I can be the Godly mother I need to be. I can promise you this, someday will be so hard that you will cry and want to give up. The best advice I can give is never let bitterness take root in your heart. Rejoice in these struggles because God is building your faith and giving you a testimony that can inspire, and encourage others when nothing else can. As hard as it may seem your testimony is a gift, but only if you allow it to be! I also have a blog. Feel free to read it and please know I'll be following your story and praying for you. Don't lose hope. Trust that God has a plan for you and your husband and He will complete a work in you! I wish you the best of luck and I pray that God be with you each step of the way. Every tear He holds in His hands as a language only He understands! I look forward to reading more of your journey and I hope that I can encourage you along the way!
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