Children too are a gift from the LORD, The fruit of the womb, A reward. – Psalm 127:3

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Who Am I?

I told you it's hard to get on and blog with a baby! I think the last I did this was September!

Needless to say, I think I have become a not so fun person to be around since then. I am mean to Ben-yelling and calling names when I get frustrated after a long, trying day. I am not doing so hot at holding my temper either. I don't want Callie to hear me now, much less when she gets older and can remember.

I also am rather demanding of him when he gets home. Take out the trash or put the laundry up that I did that day...I ask, but usually it's a few times then I get mean and yell at him. I think it's because I'm stuck in the house  most of the day. I only talk to the baby, clean, cook, watch some tv, and take care of the baby more. On occasion I run errands, grocery shop and go to any appointments we may have.

I don't have many friends here-most of them work full time and have no kids, so I don't have many to who can relate to me. I don't really get much sleep, and if I do, it's in a few hour increments, so I never get that deep sleep that I need. IM in desperate need of a girls night, some laughs and to be carefree. I need a massage to release all the stress I have. I need my husband to be more helpful when he comes home and realize that it's a part of being an adult.

I am also feeling like a failure because we have been supplementing with formula lately. Callie would nurse then scream like she was starving. Nothing worked..we burped her, belly massage, playing, new diaper, gripe water, gas drops, trying to get her to sleep...anything. Formula fixed it. I still tried to nurse often. She does great through the night, no bottles needed. So I bough lactation cookies, tried fenugreek, pumping, and now I am taking Reglan to help stimulate my milk glands to make more. We have cut the formula in half. She was getting 8 to 12 oz a day on top of nursing(always after nursing, 4 oz max at a time). Now she gets 3-2oz bottles a day. And I'm trying to pump immediately after she nurses, but she is very demanding of me at this point. Maybe that's a 5 month old ting that happens. And maybe that's why she cries so much more these days? A growth spurt at 5 months. And teething? I'm not sure, but I really wanted to breast feed her until 1 year, and I'm down in the dumps we are wasting money on formula all bc I can't keep my supply up. Ugh. I'm going to try and see my lactation consultant from birth next week.

I'm also packing on the pounds. I'm about 15 pounds less than what I was the day I had Callie. And I actually got down 16 pounds less than I am now before Thanksgiving. I guess with all the stress and anger I've had lately, I've just been stuffing my face. I feel lonely, I stuff my face...ugh. Why cant I have skinny jeans in my DNA?!

Don't take any of this as me saying I wish I never had Callie, because that is far from the truth. Callie is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and my life. And so is Ben. I love them more than anything. I am just stressing myself out over stupid little things and I need to stop that. I need to be healthy for us all. And love myself.

Ok well enough with my rant. I need to go to sleep-she has been out for an hour. Remember this....