May I Carry Your Child?

I have always wanted to have children, for as long as I can remember. Ben and I have finally succeeded, and have a beautiful little girl. We are so thankful to God, modern science, and family. Without them, we never would have gotten the experience of a lifetime.

With that being said, we have decided to move on to a new chapter in our life. Although we hope to have one more child, we are putting our family growth on hold, to hopefully bring life and blessings to another couple, who cannot conceive on their own, or carry a pregnancy to term. We're talking about Surrogacy! I have opted to be a Gestational Surrogate, which is where I carry the couples embryo, so the child will have no blood relation to me. I will be going through the entire IVF process again. The company we have picked to work with is based in Chicago, so for 3 appointments I will have to travel there,  and I will be close enough (within an hour) to visit with my grandparents and other family members, which is great! I have answered the pre-qualifying questionnaire, and been contacted by an advocate, who is in the process of getting together and sending me paperwork and more information packets. I still need to lose another 50 lbs (or very close to that) to begin the process or actually starting injections and doing the transfer, but knowing that I am a great canidate motivates me even more to lose faster than I currently am. (hey-51 lbs to date is a FANTASTIC acheivement!) 

The process is sort of like adoption, from what I have heard about it. Ben and I will chose a couple who we find interesting and want to help out, based on their life book they make. We learn about who they are, what they do, how long they have tried to conceive, and other things like that! At some point, we will meet the couple, and they then decide if they want to work with us. Once we have been paired with a couple, the process begins! All of my appointments after the transfer will be here in Nashville with my OB and birth will be at my hospital. 

Some may ask why we want to do this. Why would we want to go through an entire pregnancy and give a baby to someone. Why would we want to put ourself through a tough and emotional situation. Well, why wouldn't we? We personally know what it is like to not be able to have a child on our own, to try and try, and never get those 2 pink lines on that test. We know the heart break month after month when my menstrual cycle starts. We want to give others the joy we got on August 16, 2012. The joy of life in their arms. A piece of them that will grow up and go into the world and make it their own. We want to make another couple's dream come true of having their own child. 

I know it will be emotionally the hardest thing I have ever done, to go 9 months carrying a child that isn't going home with me (or 2-that is a possibility, as well is triplets, which they can then choose to terminate one), but I have such a strong support system, that I am willing to take this chance.

For now, this all I have to share. There are tons of thoughts going through my head. My heart pounds when I think about the, hopefully near, future and what it entails. But I am so very excited in the next chapter of our life. I truly believe I was meant to do this. I believe God planned on us having to go through our own IVF cycle, so that I would decide that surrogacy is what I wanted to do with my life.

I am asking for prayers for us. Pray that I safely lose the rest of this weight, that we find the right family for us, that Ben and I continue to have a strong, loving relationship through the process, that we have a healthy pregnancy when the time comes, and that the potential family takes home their little blessing(s) one day. I apologize if this sounds like a bunch of rambling, but I wanted to share.

Callie is 1 already!

So, our sweet girl turned 1 on August 16. Words cannot explain how happy and sad I was that day. I was so happy to see how much Callie had grown and learned in what felt like a short amount of time, but I was so sad at how fast the year had blown by. In a year, she learned how to

*sit up on her own

*roll from back to belly and back again

*crawl

*walk (by 9 months!!)

*eat on her own

*say momma, dada, hi and nana

*blow kisses

*hug your neck

*clap

*help put stuff away or in the trash

*bring you a certain item you asked for, such as her baby or sippy cup

*point to her nose, eyes and stick out her tongue

I am sure that there are many other things she learned along the way, but  I won't type everything out! We could be here all day! She had 8 teeth by age 1 (and 4 molars by 13 months old), and she has yet to get a hair cut. I love her little ringlet curls and can't make myself cut them off! Not even just a trim!

I cant say enough how blessed I am to be this little girls mom. She makes me realize that nothing else in the world matters, except love. And I love her more than anything. I catch myself smiling at her throughout the day, for no reason, other than the fact that she is a part of me, living and learning and exploring all the things around her. She looks at the world, and daddy and I, in amazement, and warms our soul. I thank God for her daily. She has made me a better person! 

I can't wait to see where she is at age 2-it will be here before you know it! I am super excited for her to start talking in sentences, playing tag, doing fun crafts together, and playing dress up! Fun times are coming our way!! 

Until next time.... (which could be a while, as my last post was in Feb-but hey, we've sold a house and moved since then, so it's ok! We've been busy living life)

Here are a few photos from this year. Follow me on instagram for daily photos! brittanie_hocker :)

Teething SUCKS!

The title says it all! This past week has been horrible. Our sweet baby girl has not been herself. Both of her bottom teeth are coming in, and for the past week, sleep-Well, what is that?! She refused to sleep anywhere other than right next to Momma, and she would toss and turn all night, waking multiple times (sometimes being up for an hour or more). Of course, Mom and Dad were exhausted, but we are her parents and we are dedicated to doing anything and everything that will make her happy. We tried Tylenol, cold teethers, teething tablets, ice cubes. All that good stuff.
Then of course, Tuesday she got her shots (16lbs 7oz and 26.5 in long!) and that made her feel even worse. She ended up with a fever for 2.5 days. It got up to 101.7, then came back down, resulting in a happier baby with a runny nose. She has never had bad reaction to shots, so I felt awful for her. I am happy to say, that last night she slept through the entire night (9:30-4:45, nursed then back to bed until 8am!). I am so glad that Callie is back to her normal self! Our smiling, laughing, rotten little girl <3

6 Months has come and Gone...

Callie turned 6 months old this past Saturday, and along with it came her two bottom front teeth, a baby who can sit up all on her own now, and less sleep. Where has the time gone? It feels like just yesterday that I woke up and my water was leaking. I am dying a little on the inside each day as I watch her grow and learn new things. I want her to stay my little girl forever! It gives me baby fever-I long to hold a brand new baby again, to see what they look like after 9 long months of not knowing, to snuggle and sleep the day away with them. All of it. But then again, I don't want to go through labor again, or those first few weeks of crazy bleeding and almost no sleep at all. I don't want to miss out on all the fun with Callie either.
So for now, I will spend my days singing, laughing, watching cartoons, kissing toes and cheeks, making messes with food and just loving our baby girl. She will be in kindergarten in the blink of an eye!

Who Am I?

I told you it's hard to get on and blog with a baby! I think the last I did this was September!

Needless to say, I think I have become a not so fun person to be around since then. I am mean to Ben-yelling and calling names when I get frustrated after a long, trying day. I am not doing so hot at holding my temper either. I don't want Callie to hear me now, much less when she gets older and can remember.

I also am rather demanding of him when he gets home. Take out the trash or put the laundry up that I did that day...I ask, but usually it's a few times then I get mean and yell at him. I think it's because I'm stuck in the house  most of the day. I only talk to the baby, clean, cook, watch some tv, and take care of the baby more. On occasion I run errands, grocery shop and go to any appointments we may have.

I don't have many friends here-most of them work full time and have no kids, so I don't have many to who can relate to me. I don't really get much sleep, and if I do, it's in a few hour increments, so I never get that deep sleep that I need. IM in desperate need of a girls night, some laughs and to be carefree. I need a massage to release all the stress I have. I need my husband to be more helpful when he comes home and realize that it's a part of being an adult.

I am also feeling like a failure because we have been supplementing with formula lately. Callie would nurse then scream like she was starving. Nothing worked..we burped her, belly massage, playing, new diaper, gripe water, gas drops, trying to get her to sleep...anything. Formula fixed it. I still tried to nurse often. She does great through the night, no bottles needed. So I bough lactation cookies, tried fenugreek, pumping, and now I am taking Reglan to help stimulate my milk glands to make more. We have cut the formula in half. She was getting 8 to 12 oz a day on top of nursing(always after nursing, 4 oz max at a time). Now she gets 3-2oz bottles a day. And I'm trying to pump immediately after she nurses, but she is very demanding of me at this point. Maybe that's a 5 month old ting that happens. And maybe that's why she cries so much more these days? A growth spurt at 5 months. And teething? I'm not sure, but I really wanted to breast feed her until 1 year, and I'm down in the dumps we are wasting money on formula all bc I can't keep my supply up. Ugh. I'm going to try and see my lactation consultant from birth next week.

I'm also packing on the pounds. I'm about 15 pounds less than what I was the day I had Callie. And I actually got down 16 pounds less than I am now before Thanksgiving. I guess with all the stress and anger I've had lately, I've just been stuffing my face. I feel lonely, I stuff my face...ugh. Why cant I have skinny jeans in my DNA?!

Don't take any of this as me saying I wish I never had Callie, because that is far from the truth. Callie is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and my life. And so is Ben. I love them more than anything. I am just stressing myself out over stupid little things and I need to stop that. I need to be healthy for us all. And love myself.

Ok well enough with my rant. I need to go to sleep-she has been out for an hour. Remember this....

Adjusting To Life As A Mom

Things have been so crazy since the birth of Callie, that I don't have time to get on here and write! I haven't even finished the last book of the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy that I started 2.5 weeks before she was born..And she is 5 weeks old!!! I can't believe it-5 weeks old. Oh how time is flying by!

I am quite impressed with myself and how easily I have adapted to doing things one handed. I can cook (I don't usually cook with her...usually just fix a sandwich or marinate something if needed-I try to wait to cook until Dad is home for safety reasons), eat, do laundry, take the dog out and even get on the computer if I need to. Dad hasn't quite mastered how to do things one handed-so he doesn't really help me much when he gets home other than to hold Callie while I do what I couldn't during the day. Sometimes she is very fussy and only wants to be held, which I don't mind, unless I have some things I need to do. But they can wait...she is only little once and I want to enjoy her, fussy or not :)

She sleeps fairly well-on average she sleeps in 3 hours stretches at night. Last night was actually the first night we tried to get her to sleep in her crib. (This was actually 3 nights ago now...shows you how long it takes me to actually complete something I start!) All alone in her own room..away from me. I was pretty nervous that I wouldn't hear her over the monitor if I fell asleep, so I woke up often to make sure I didn't miss her crying. Around 4am I was so tired that I brought her to bed with us for that feeding so we could just snuggle up together and go to sleep with Dad.

I am trying to adjust to it not just being Ben and I. I miss our relationship before Callie was born, however, I wouldn't trade it for a thing. I miss just being able to do what we want at any time-quick runs to the store, to see our friends, just snuggling up in bed together with no interruptions. It's a lot harder now to keep our relationship where it needs to be, talking to each other on a daily basis, and just enjoying each other with he everyday stresses of being new parents. But everyday we are getting better and better :)

Overall-being a Mom isn't as hard as I thought it would be at times, but I do get frustrated on rare occasion, and that's when it is hard. I just take a breathe and go from there. That's all I can do.

Time for A New Blog

Well, we have had an eventful past 2 weeks, to say the least. We are now a very happy family of 3, 4 counting our dog! Let me update you on everything to birth, then I plan to start a new blog, mostly to remind me of all the things Callie does, later in life.

The morning after I lost my mucus plus, I woke up to pee and noticed I was leaking fluid. I hadn't peed myself, because I had just went 2 hours before. I had bloody streaked discharge as well. So I called the on call Dr and he said since I wasn't having consistent contractions, to stay home and wait until they were closer. I decided to call my nurse once the office opened just to get a second opinion. They sent me to Triage since my water was leaking just to get monitored. They were worried that the baby could suffocate if I leaked too much fluid. So Cynthia, Ben's mother, got here about 11:30 and we headed to the hospital (I vacuumed and did some other last minute cleaning as well as got a long hot shower while she drove here) Ben met us there(he was working) and we got signed in. After the million and one questions they ask you, they check my cervix and I had dilated to 4 and 80% effaced. that was 2cm and 20%more than 2 days prior at my OB checkup!! But I wasn't super hopeful bc I still wasn't feeling any contractions.

At 4:30, I was between 4 & 5 cm dilated. Contractions were getting stronger, but nothing I couldn't handle, or still feel for the most part. So after the nurse spoke with the Dr, they said I could either stay or go home and wait. We decided to stay. After admitting me to labor and delivery and switching me to my room, I had to sit forever on IV fluids and having my Bp checked. The plan was to let me go natural as I wanted. If by midnight I hadn't progressed anymore, they would break my water and start Pitocin. At 9;30, I wasn't making any progress and the pain was to the point I was crying-So I went ahead and got the epidural and Dr Moran came in to break my water at 9:45pm. Ben had went to eat dinner with his Father and Brother, so he missed this process, which made me cry even more. I took an hour nap after he returned and they came to start Pitocin at 12:30am. I was dilate to 6 and 85-90% effaced. I took another nap around 2-not feeling the contractions let me relax much more and I'm glad I got it. At 6:15 am, it was time to push..I missed 3 contractions of pushing, I needed to get a good breath...But at 7:23am, Callie Rae Hocker made her first appearance into the world. She weighed 7lbs10oz, 19.5 inches long and had a head full of dark hair!! We couldn't be more excited!!

Here are some photos of her first few days, going home and meeting our furbaby, Millie. I look a hot mess...So just look at her :)

The epidural let me enjoy the majority of labor!

Last photo of us, as a family of 2

She is here!!!

So happy my baby girl is here!!

Family of 3...We are in LOVE!

Momma's very first kiss

First time Daddy held Callie

Trying to feed her...Nana was a great supporter

Proud Nana (Ben's mom)

Daddy was exhausted. He didn't sleep for 2 days straight!

Proud Papa (Ben's Dad)

Meeting Uncle Jonny (Ben's Brother)

Getting her vitals checked...She wasn't happy about it!

All cleaned up and fixing to snuggle with Momma

Ready to go home for the first time!!!

Welcome Home Callie Rae! We've been waiting!!

Millie meeting Callie....She wanted to lick her face a lot!

So excited to meet her baby sister!!

 

 

Meeting AnJerika for the first time (Her cousin)

First time meeting MiMi (My Mom)

Millie was so curious!

First sponge bath at home...loves getting her hair washed

But she HATES getting her body washed!

She loves her swing :)

Such a cutie!

She is perfect! I couldn't be more in love!

Daddy is already wrapped around her little finger!

First time in the stroller for a walk around the neighborhood